Living Congruently :: Recent Entries

Title:	Life is still a struggle
Date:	2008-07-15 @ 11:05
Security:	public

Avoiding work related work by surfing and posting.
Feeling hopeless and helpless.
I have inadvertently created my life to be what it is and now I hate most of the results.
I feel stuck and scared to move forward.
I do not know how ro move forward.
Not true!
The first step is to get going with the work related work and to finish it by Friday morning 8.30am.
Demand resisitance is alive and kicking in me!
Steo 1
Finish the 3 or 4 year 11 projects and enter marks. Time required less than 1 hour.

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Title:	Feeling better
Date:	2008-06-29 @ 06:59
Security:	public

The paralysis is reduced.
The amount of time surfing the net is reduced.
Work related stuff is being done 15 minutes at a time.
Not a lot.....Not nearly enough......but MUCH better than nothing
Other stuff being addressed 15 minutes at a time includes tax back log and house maintenance.
Doggy has been vigorously exercised and is much calmer.
Hospitalised mother is feeling better physically AND mentally. Coming home on Wednesday.
I am feeling a little less negative but still worried about the consequences.

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Title:	Trying to catch up
Date:	2008-06-25 @ 10:47
Security:	public
Mood:	anxious

At home pretending to be ill and knowing that I can fool the doctor.
Trying at last to complete the stacks of work that I have.
Avoiding the consequences of not having done stuff earlier.
So far 1 hour of maybe 40 (I am nor sure ) that is needed.
How is that for integrity!!
July will bring a new start; maybe i can do better.
Maybe I can learn to live without this monkey on my back.
My younger son pointed out that this way of living is a form of defiance.
Elsewhere I read that procrastination is a form of addiction.
I can see both points of view.
I also realize that it does not matter how I became this way.
What matters is that I recover and take control of my life.

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Title:	Still Paralysed
Date:	2008-06-24 @ 08:59
Security:	public

I am still not working on work related stuff.
Every day ups the ante.
What am I waiting for?
I say that I want tnis job, but my actions do not support my words.
This is all a huge ??????
I am not willing to do what it takes.....
I need to engage.....
I need to spend regular time doing and thinking....
and the trouble is I do not want to and feel trapped....

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Title:	The resistance continues
Date:	2008-06-21 @ 17:15
Security:	public
Mood:	drained

Another day.
Cooked a dish.
Stripped my bed.
Shaved sons head.
Visited mother in hospital.
Surfed the net.
Looked at a property my son is considering.
A little bit of laundry.
Cruised an op shop.
BUT
None of the important work related stuff.
Time has officially run out and I am wasting an unofficial window of opportunity to fix something that I have neglected to do.
The longer I wait the more likely it is that I shall be found out. in fact accountability has to come!
Perhaps I want the consequences????

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Title:	Another Day and still procrastinating
Date:	2008-06-20 @ 11:53
Security:	public
Music:	noise from TV
Mood:	crushed

Another day at home.
Could not face the day at work.
Have a list of trivial household "triumphs".
Real work not started. Paralysis.
I will be held accountable for the tasks I have not done.
The honest thing would be to resign from this job.
I have pretended since 1974.
It is harder and harder to conceal the things that I am not doing.
If not this job then what???
Is it possible to find a way of doing this? do I have anything to offer?

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Title:	Untitled
Date:	2008-06-19 @ 17:03
Security:	public
Mood:	distressed

5.03pm
Morning medication taken early pm.
Teeth brushed.
Dog fed.
Mother visited and endured. She is sliding into dementia and I am not able to help her. My mother is sabotaging her own treatment with her approach and distrust and anger.
Few items bought and lunch eaten.
1 load of mothers laundry loaded.
Plan for the day down the drain.
Nothing else accomplished.
Have many hours of overdue work to accomplish for work. I do not know how many. Do not know what the consequences of not having this done will be. I am sabotaging my self.

Need to try again to have a better evening.

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Title:	Starting Out
Date:	2008-06-19 @ 10:52
Security:	public
Location:	at home
Music:	background television
Mood:	anxious

"Wrong" side of 50.
Unhappy.
Obese.
Wasting a lot of time.
In Chaos.
Frustrated.
Stuck in a career that I drifted into.
Disappointed.
Taking shortcuts and frequently getting away with it.
Feeling empty and fake.

Wanting more and not knowing how.
I want to stop making excuses.
I want to live fully and honestly.
Something that I read recently about motivation in our lives.

There has to be a congruence between:
1. What we want to do or our desires
2. What we are able to or what we have the ability to do
3. What we should do or our purpose
4. What we must do our our need

I know that there is a struggle in me between my wants to and my needs to!
I do not know my purpose.
I do not know my abilities are and I am afraid to find out.

I am at home to catch up on work and I know that time is going to run out. An ongoing pattern. I should be working and I am paralysed.

Plan:
Do what I can today. It is 11.19 am.
Work on work for 45 minutes.
Work on other things for 15 minutes.
Take a break at 4pm. Walk the dog. Visit Mother. Buy some food.
Keep trying.
Keep going.

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